Hi, what would you like to order today?
*gibble gabble confusion confusion*
Ok. Honest, heart to heart rant coming right up.
I grew up as a socially awkward child. In fact, to the majority of people, I still am a socially awkward person. No matter how many videos or articles I consume to be funny or charismatic, I end up being myself, my inconvenient self.
I know that multiple people around the world go through the same thing as me and I’m not special in any way. But, being immersed in an environment where you are bombarded with socially savvy people who glide through conversations with ease can really take a hit to your self esteem.
I’ve definitely improved, socially at least. In elementary school, I literally would not talk. I tried making friends, but as soon as I saw the slightest sign of disinterest, I’d isolate myself from that person. This method worked until I ran out of people to isolate myself from. Meaning I was left alone at the lunch table, no one to talk to and no one to laugh with. The occasional friend would come along, but our relationships would never grow to be as close as the suave people I spent so much time observing(not a stalker, I promise). And even then, they ended up moving by the next year. Why was it that I could identify myself doing things wrong, yet attempt after attempt to mend such wrongs, I was left bereft of any true friendship? The kind of friendship where you hang out all day, every day. The kind of friendship where you can’t stand being apart. The kind of friendship where no moment together would ever be boring. I longed for that kind of friendship, but as they say: “the harder you try, the more difficult it is to obtain.” It’s apparently called the Reverse Effect. And, boy, did I want a friendship like that so bad.
I grew up in a good family, in a good environment, in a good school. And yet, here I was having problems that doesn’t make sense for someone put in my position. Being quiet was okay. Quiet people can have amazing friendships. But being quiet and awkward, that’s a recipe for disaster. I gave compliments and I meant them too. I was nice and polite. I tried to be interesting. All this societal pressure to have friends, all in elementary school. Of course my longing for friends is not just due to society, but my needs as well. Human beings are social creatures, and if I wasn’t social, wouldn’t that make me inhuman?
Friendships are the sources of the most pleasant joys and the most nasty scars. I never had to deal with any drama growing up, mainly because I wasn’t part of any. I didn’t have to go through gruesome friend-breakups. I was saved from that kind of heartbreak. But, this same heartbreak is what gives you the ability to feel the spectrum of emotion you do. The more intense the emotion, the more you learn about relationships and thereby, humanity.
Middle school was a vastly different story. I was desperate to get more friends, and seeing that I’d be meeting new people meant that I could transform myself into this self-perceived outgoing girl. Looking back, I was just obnoxious. I would high-five people in the hallway. I would force people into spontaneous staring contests.
I do remember one instance that burns badly in my memory; I was walking down the hallway, when I saw my friend approaching from the other side of the hallway. I opted to give her a high-five, smiling like the goofball I was. She did end up giving me that high-five, but not before asking me if I was socially awkward. That single question really solidified my low self-esteem. I smiled and laughed it off, but 4 years later, I still think about that day and wonder if I’m that same socially inept girl.
The funny thing is, that girl that asked me if I was socially awkward ended up being my closest friend come high school. She is smart and beautiful and funny and adorable. We’ve talked about that instance multiple times on our walks home from school. Each time, I realize how raw my emotions still are, no matter how much time progresses. That’s because one’s self-awareness never disappears, no matter how much one improves. I have a group of friends. Or, to be more accurate, I’m friends with one or two people in multiple friend groups, which means I never get invited to anything. Well, I get invited about twice every six months. That’s far below my standards. I want friends that want to hang out with me. I want friends that aren’t busy 24/7 and can make time for me if they are.
I’m learning along the way though. I’ve come a long way since elementary school and have a long journey ahead of me. I can only hope that my efforts in improving myself come full circle (karma, I’m looking at you sweetie).
Please, if you have any advice, take some time out of your day and comment below. I get a sort of euphoria when people actually react with my blogs.
Thanks for reading this far out about my bland life,
-shemightbesped (being sped could be an explanation, couldn’t it?)